Glorias Step Take 2

Gloria Lintermans is author of the book, The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. I have not read it yet as I have hardly finished a book, but plan to pick this one up very soon. I’m looking forward to it after hearing her discussion on The Stepmoms Toolbox blog-talk radio.

The most substantial point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the primary family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to mourn in their own way. Gloria gave assorted phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I’m looking forward to reading suggestions of how. I’m convinced this grieving routine may also be applied in the circumstance of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not the right way mourning the loss of their firstborn family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.

Another point Gloria discussed is in regards to discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, must commune and co-parent together. They must all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn’t agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily confess this is the most idealisti way to build a healthful strong unified stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn’t offer specific ways to accomplish this. It’s likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this may be. It’s difficult sufficient for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include aftermaths for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn’t mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.

When asked regarding a circumstance in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad will have to petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because “chaos” ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is outstandingly requiring little effort than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has gains and is possible, it is a very arduous routine and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It takes away from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the exploration expressing the developmental vantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.

The answer is affiliated to setting boundaries for your family household – endowing yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot alter her if she doesn’t want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse determine your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You may do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is aweinspiring how much more stable a once chaotic household may become once this is achieved. It’s not quick and easy, but it may be done. All suitable goals take time and effort. This is one of them.

Gloria likewise discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because some cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate the inclusion of cohabitation, while others do not. I’ve seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no fault that 2nd families break up more often than introductory families. The percentages of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.

The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I’m very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies must “stick it out” because “it hurts but won’t kill you.” From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I may not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthful behavings and complex mental states subsist in the stepfamilies who separate. Unless these behavings and complex mental states are transformed into positives, perhaps breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying emotionally. Maybe they’re altering into someone they don’t want to be. Maybe they are devising addictions in order to cope. There are galore other maybe’s. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be competent to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a more salubrious perspective of the family’s situation.

Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with someone again because of how in an emotional manner stressful the primary circumstance was. That is the reason my mom decisive to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I firstborn left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to win a victory over that. What made the divergence for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could’ve been done differently to get dissimilar results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have at last found inner peace, I feel convinced that I’ll attract the right relationship/man when I’m ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria’s book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.

There is 1 final angle from the discussion I’d like to fetch up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria’s remarks placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is aimed to stepmoms, it stands to reason why she didn’t mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge StepMom to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn with regards to stepfamily dynamics and devoted to adjusting *together*. The step parent and bio parent is the foundation of the stepfamily. Being a team increments the likelihood of getting a healthful stepfamily.

On this same topic, Gloria imparted worthful insights. She brought up the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don’t recognise everything and are most times wrong, and have no desire to “replace” or be a better “Mom”. I totally agree with all of these insights. I’d further extend this suggestion to the bio parent. Bio parents at times get stuck in parenting a sure way, as if they always recognise best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are likewise human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt feelings or pride cloud their judgment. Moreover, numerous single and joint parents turn into the “holiday parent” and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the bio parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is sensed to not know anything when it comes to parenting when in fact the bio dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is mutual in some households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.

Glorias Step Take 2 Pic

Glorias Step Take 2 Picture

Glorias Step Take 2 Image

Glorias Step Take 2 Image